Please, let me fuck your mom
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Someone shattered a urinal.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
