I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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