I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
