We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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