I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
