Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
