sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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