So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
