I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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