I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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