dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
