the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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