i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
