I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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