I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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