Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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