Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
