i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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