masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
