i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
