I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
