when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
