Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
