last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
