first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
