Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
