Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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