It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
