Betty ford says i'm here all night
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There r osticjed everywhere
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
