I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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