I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
