oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
