I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
