if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
