winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
