fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
