I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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