Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
