I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
