A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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