moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
