if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
