I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
