She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
