My liver just broke up with me...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
