Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
