i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
