i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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