Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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