if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
